Know Thyself

So, something weird occurred to me the other day as I was beginning to paint my portrait. As many self-portraits I have painted, I thought that I really new myself, but as I began this one, I realized that I don't know myself anymore.

Let me explain.

When I was working on my thesis, The Phenomenology of Impairment, and painting my face every day, I knew every little nuance. I could almost paint myself with my eyes closed. But that was 4 years and 120 pounds heavier ago.

Now, I have done a couple quick portraits over the past 4 years, but I didn't give them much thought, and it was while I was going through this transitions, so the change was not as noticeable. But since it has been a while, and I haven't really looked at myself, I was thrown a curve ball with my new painting.

I started with my face, and after a took a minute and actually looked at myself for the first time in a long while and I was stunned. It's amazing how you can go through such a change and not truly notice it; how you look in the mirror and see a version of you that is not you. The first hour of painting was really rough and for a while, and I thought it was going to be a complete disaster, but it turned out just fine.

So I think that this new series of work is going to be about self-rediscovery and getting to know my real self again. I'm excited about it, but I'm also really nervous too.

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Tuesday, Jan 30
     Pinned quilt squares for an hour.  About half have been pinned, but I don't really have enough pins to continue. Read 30 minutes in "Saving Italy" and finished it.

Wednesday, Jan 31
     Had to work late on sets for the school play. Did not work. Read 30 minutes in "Falling Angels" by Tracy Chevalier.

Thursday, Feb 01
     Worked even later today. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish all this in 2 weeks. Did not work. Read 30 minutes  in "Falling Angels".

Friday, Feb 02
     Was planning on catching up on major time this weekend, but there was a change in weekend plans. The boyfriend will be home this weekend, so I will be there.  Maybe next weekend. No working today or tomorrow.  Did not read.

Saturday, Feb 03
     Did not read and did not work, although we did have a good time at the Durham Patchwork Market and I caught up with some old college friends.  Do not have to go to my parents' tomorrow since my mom has a meeting, so I'm going to leave my boyfriend's early to catch up on as much as I can.

Sunday, Feb 04
     Left my boyfriend's just before noon so I can catch up on work. Sewed quilt blocks that I had pinned together. Pinned the rest. Sewed the rest. Ironed them all open so I can pin again later tonight or tomorrow.  Worked on painting my portrait for 3 hours. Made decent progress. I really struggled at  first because I've not painted in a long time, but I think I'm in a groove now. I also realized that I have no idea what I look like anymore, but that will be the topic of my next blog entry. Made up all my time from 2 weeks ago. Still owe myself 3 hours of work time. Read 30 minutes in "Falling Angels".

Monday, Feb 05
    Read 30 minutes in "Falling Angels". Work for an hour painting.

Tuesday, Feb 06
    Read for 30 minutes in "Falling Angels". Did not work. I owe myself so much time, it's not funny.

Wednesday, Feb 07
     Read for 30 minutes in "Falling Angels". Did not work. I had to stay late again to work on sets. It's killing me. I have so many bruises on my legs from being on the hard floor. One more week of this to go.

Thursday, Feb 08
     Read slightly over 30 minutes in "Falling Angels" and finished the book. Did not work. Late a school again.

Friday, Feb 09
     Read 30 minutes in "The $12 Million Stuffed Shark" by Don Thompson. I think it may be a dry read.  Did not work even though I was home on time. I'm so exhausted, I had a hard time not falling asleep while watching TV tonight. I owe myself 6 hours of work time and an hour of reading.  The reading I should make up tomorrow.

Saturday, Feb 10
    Read for an hour and a half today in "Stuffed Shark". Caught up on that time. Did not work because I spent the day cleaning and running errands. Now I owe myself 7 hours. Going to try and catch up on as much time as I can tomorrow because all I have to do is go to the grocery.

Sunday, Feb 11
     Read 30 minutes in "Stuffed Shark", Started working, alternating between my portrait and quilt.  Going to try and make up at least 4 hours today. Spent time reflecting on my monthly goals. Thinking it may not be beneficial to set due dates for myself at this point in time.  As long as I can meet my hour of work a day goal, I should be fine. I'll worry about setting due dates during the summer when I can devote more than 1 hour a day to working. I also think it may be impractical for me to work on more than 2 projects at a time because I can't devote an equal amount of time to each project. Finished painting in 2 hours, cut it out, and glued it to the canvas. Working on stitching. It is going to take forever. Ended up doing 5 hours worth of work. I'm proud of myself, even though I still owe myself 2 hours. That's a lot more manageable.

Monday, Feb 12
     Read 30 minutes in "Stuffed Shark". Sewed for 1 hour.

Tuesday, Feb 13
​      Read 30 minutes in "Stuffed Shark". Sewed for 1 hour.

Wednesday, Feb 14
     Read 30 minutes in Hyperallergic's "Required Reading". Sewed for 1 hour.
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