I came to DC to find myself. Cliche, yes, but certainly true. And even though this trip was planned long ago, I really feel like it couldn't have come at a better time.
My life has fallen apart the past couple days. I've barely slept. I haven't eaten in 24 hours. Hell, even now I'm sitting in the office chair in my hotel room nursing a cup of coffee and trying to force myself to eat a Clif Bar. So far, no luck.
Getting here was easy and I had this plan in mind of what I was going to do when I got here. I took a half assed nap, which made me a little better since driving always makes me tired. And then... Let's just say the Universe likes to take good and crazy things away from you. Endings have a way of happening prematurely. Stories you feel like should carry on far into the future encounter a bad case of writer's block and they are left half written. The end could be final. In a couple days or weeks or months, more might be added to it.
I don't want it to be over.
Since then, I haven't left my hotel room. Well, that's not entirely true. I did attempt to go down to the bar, but found it too crowded, so I just went back to my room. The bed or the shower (which is kind of amazing by the way) have been my places of meditation because god knows I need to think. I've thought about everything: the good, the bad, the even worse... I've run the gambit of emotions. Sometimes I am inconsolably sad, sometimes not. Sometimes I am ridiculously angry (at myself, at others), sometimes not. Sometimes I feel incredibly relieved, sometimes not. And sometimes, okay a lot of the time, I just feel nothing, which in and of itself is a strange feeling for someone as emotional as I am.
I took one bite and I think I am done.
The good news is that I did sleep a little last night, although I was up every two hours feeling like shit. I am going to leave the hotel today and do one of the things I came here to do, visit Rock Creek Cemetery. I'm going to try and enjoy myself, but there are no guarantees of anything at this point. And if I am not creepily excited to go to a cemetery, then you know how I feel.
This weekend is going to be a long one.