I've lost motivation...for everything, just about.
I haven't worked on my portrait in a couple weeks as the lack of updates probably indicated. I still want to do it, I just haven't. I have been working on other things, I just don't show those things to anyone. It's something I've been working on in terms of documenting process and product, but I will admit that it is a hard habit to get into if you are not used to it.
The past couple of weeks have been very busy and stressful. There's been a lot going on at work which has kept me busy during the day and at night and on weekends, I've been so tired I haven't made much time to be creative.
I looked at my CV the other day and I am a little scared of the gap in it that 2015 will cause. I have only submitted to one show, which I didn't get into and amongst the stress and confusion of moving I haven't produced any work. The things that I have started working on, even in January before the craziness began are still untouched. At this point in the year, I'm not sure that it is worth trying to rush and get stuff done before the end of the year. I think that I am just going to plan out some projects for early next year and work on making 2016 a better year. I also think that I may just take some time to draw a little. I recently dug all my drawings from college out of a closet at my mom's house and it is definitely a skill that I have let fall by the wayside. So I might just take some time to do a little bit of basic drawing.
Emotionally, I've been struggling. It's hard to express how physically and mentally exhausted I've been. I'm tired. I'm tired of having to deal with politics at works. I don't like to play manipulative games. I'm tired of failed relationships and putting my faith in people, friends and family, and having them let me down. I'm tired of working so hard towards making something of myself only to have any sense of hope taken from me. And most of all, I'm just tired of being tired.
I'm to the point where I just want to give up everything and start over because I can't take being unhappy very much longer. The past several years have been an endless cycle of up and down, and I'm just not sure how many times I can keep doing that.